Sunrise over the Caribbean, where my husband and I honeymooned

Monday, May 10, 2010

Ready, Set, ACTION!

Had a light-bulb moment the other day while catching up on my recorded shows (love my DVR). I was watching Oprah; A live special for the 10th anniversary of O Magazine. She had her "Dream Team" on which consisted of Dr. Phil, who shaved off his mustache on live tv; Susie Orman, who's voice I consider to be a personal pet peeve; Nate Berkus who is welcome to decorate my world any day and Dr. Oz, who is a pretty stinkin' smart feller!

Oprah had her dream team reflect on the articles they wrote for her 10th anniversary addition of 'O'. The articles talked about the 10 things they knew for sure. When Oprah asked Dr. Oz what the top thing he knew for sure was he said that motivation comes from action! He always hears people say "If I could just find the motivation to do this or that....."

But what he knows for sure is that you have to take action. Start doing this and that and the motivation to continue doing it will follow!


How true is THAT????

Don't we all have things on our "TO DO" list that we are waiting for the motivation to accomplish? I mean don't get me wrong, I know sometimes you have to be in the mood to do certain things.

Like cleaning toilets for instance. Not something where "action" gets you excited for next time. But like exercise........
The hardest part for me is making the decision to go and then putting my sneakers on. After those two things, it's cake. And then if you keep it up, even if you don't want to, suddenly it starts to become a habit. Suddenly you feel better. you have more confidence. maybe you're even dropping a couple pounds. And VWA...LAA! Motivation has suddenly landed at your doorstep.

It's not magic.

It doesn't come natural.

Motivation comes from ACTION!

Friday, May 7, 2010

And so pre-puberty begins....

I watched my son walk down the trail from school toward my awaiting mom mobile as I have done hundreds of times over the years. But this time was different. In his hands was a small book that he flipped through as he walked. He wore a somewhat foreign grin on his face; a look I have not seen yet in the 11 years of being this boys mother.

He gets in the car and his foreign grin morphed into something even more foreign and almost scary. An expression that showed a mixture of playful, vicious, tricky, curious and Shrek Donkey like! Or maybe that donkey on Hee-Haa.

Just wierd....

So I say, "What's up? How was your day?"

He flashes a page of his little book at me.

An illustrated picture of a male body.

Side view....



Oh boy.

This explains the expression on my boy's face. Discover your body day at school.

Before I go on, I must say that my son and I have already had the age appropriate discussion about body parts and sex. I am proud of the relationship we have and his comfort level with talking to me about things. I try my very best to keep the lines of communication open and not look or act shocked when he says things like.....

"We learned about ejaculation and wet dreams today. Those are two things you never told me about Mom..."

Talk about a kid making his mother blush!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
50 shades of red in like a mili-second....

I very quickly reminded myself that I want my son to be able to talk to me about anything and to act shocked in this moment will only embarrass him and make him reluctant to feel free to discuss whatever is on his mind.

"Well Tyler, thank goodness for school because they can teach you things I may forget to mention." I say.

But what I am really thinking is "Isn't the fact that I answered your question about masturbation 6 months ago good enough to cover me for the next century???!!!!"

So I listened with an open mind as he talked about his male parts and what they do and about male hygiene and how it's time for him to start wearing deodorant. He shows me the little sample they gave him in his "Discover your body" gift bag.

Old spice.

Why? Oh why....did it have to be old spice? I'd hate to be the teacher in the 5th grade classroom today after all those little boys put on Grandpa pit juice.

Anyway, I think I did pretty well listening and responding to my son, even though I was mortified and quite uncomfortable, I don't think it showed. The common phrase I use with my son is:

"Information is not Permission." (I think I'll patent that!)

So this helps me get through really tough questions, like the one about masturbation. But nothing could prepare a mother for being asked a question like the one which ended last nights discussion...

"Mom, ejaculation is what boys do. But girls do something similar, it's called an orgasm right? But how does that happen when they just kind of lay there?"

I told him we would revisit that question at a WAY later date.

WAY, WAY, WAY later................

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

the Universe wants me to have a biscuit

I believe in the law of attraction; What you think about, comes about. Recently I went out to breakfast and ordered the wrong thing. I got pancakes. As I walked out of the diner my eyes landed on a plate of biscuits and gravy. It's the favorite I always forget about. I was disappointed that I hadn't ordered it myself and too stuffed on pancakes to even think about round two. So I left...biscuit-less.

Since that morning, visions of fluffy buttery biscuits have danced in my head. Driving down the street I passed a McDonalds and in the same way Homer Simpson says "MMMMM, Donuts," I loudly and proudly pronounced, "MMMMMM, Biscuits." They're good there. You know where else they're good? KFC. dip em' in a little mashed potato gravy....Yum.

It has been a long ass time since I've had a biscuit.

A biscuit almost slapped me in the face at the supermarket yesterday.

I was talking with a friend last night, just bull-shitting about this and that when suddenly she is describing in detail what she made for desert the night before. Strawberry shortcake. Not made with Angel food or pound cake....but with biscuits. I let her describe to me how big they were. I listened as she told me that each biscuit had 10 grams of saturated fat. As bad as that is, all I could do was drool as I visualized a glob of melted butter and perhaps some sugar full grape jelly on top.

Can't you just taste it? I can.

I can feel the saturated fat dripping down my chin....

I get to the office this morning and I am greeted by my coworker and friend Elizabeth. We were chatting about last night dinner. I made meatloaf and squash. She made chicken and completed the meal with a leftover BISCUIT!

I got goosebumps...

She had me at biscuit....

The Universe is speaking to me loud and clear.

I am just waiting for a big ol' biscuit to come walking through my door any minute.

And I'm gonna eat it.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ya ya sisters gone bad??

I woke up at 3:00 am and was unable to fall back to sleep. I was in “think” mode. I was thinking about my friends and how different we all are. I was thinking of the group dynamic and how it has changed over the years; how I've changed. I thought about the Ya Ya Sisters Movie, an Episode of Desperate Housewives and about going to my son's middle school orientation...yep, a little scattered brained, I know, but most of my thoughts in the whee hours of this morning were about my friends. I wondered about other ya ya groups of friends and how they compare in relation to mine.

I think that a lot of women are going to be able to relate to this, especially if you have a group of crazy people friends like I do, but here it goes….the diverse list of friends I think we all have, or have had at one time or another in our lives.....

She’s got a college degree, a full time job, a husband and little kids. She goes to church on Sunday, hosts elaborate parties for her extended family and teaches an art class twice a week. She plans vacations, makes dinner every night, reads night time stories to her babies and still managers to give it up to her horny husband at least once a day! She lets loose about once a month with a bottle of wine and a marlboro red (hey, I said she was an over-achiever, not a Saint). Conversations with her are always meaningful and motivating, but often include loud child like noises in the background.

She’s the stay at home Mom who’s house is modest but clean and adorable. She is a dedicated wife and mother. She hosts every holiday with yummy dishes made from scratch without a recipe. She’s loud and amusing but it’s not too often you’ll hear her swear. Conversations with her are good for your spirit and always end with her saying "Love You!"

This is the go to girl. If you need anything at all, you go to her. Need a dog sitter or someone to watch your kids? Need someone to coordinate a party or provide a helping hand? Need to simply vent to someone who will agree with what you say? The go to girl! She’s single and available. In the mood for a spur of the moment happy hour? She’s your girl. She’s always got a good joke and has a really big heart. Often spreading herself too thin, I personally feel protective of this one. Sometimes people who are everyone’s best friend get taken advantage of. Of course not by me. Conversations with her are endless, deep and full of laughter.

She’s got fake boobs and you’ve never seen her without a man in her life. In fact, she overlaps them; Can’t dump one until she finds another. She thinks jealousy is some form of love and thinks giving a blow job can end any fight (well I guess it would). She’s self defined selfish, but been through some rough times. Hard to hate her, hard to love her, but she’s fun to party with. Conversations with her consist of drunken memories, what she’s NOT getting out of her man and advice she asks for but never takes.

Shit who am I kidding? There’s a little bit of this girl in all of us.

In the beginning she annoys you because she’s your friends little sister. Too young to play with the big girls! She just wanted to hang out because we were so cool, but too cool for her! After awhile she becomes the little sister we want to protect and then before long, we’re suddenly annoying her because she turns out to be so hip, modern and cool that we want to be just like her! Conversations with her simply make you feel young again.

Her interests become obsessions real quick. She's the friend that starts a diet and suddenly knows everything about calorie counting and wants you to know it as well. She gets a dog and suddenly is a certified trainer. She renovates a kitchen and has to talk about the details and product quality for 3 hours straight. She takes up golfing and suddenly feels the need to give Tiger some pointers. Conversations with her are mostly one sided.

She disappears from the face of the Earth. We worry…. She returns. We forgive.
The end.

We all have a friend that just exudes beauty and grace. She’s gorgeous, but not vein. She speaks motivating words and lives an inspiring life. She’s educated, grateful, somewhat secluded and has a free spirit. You don’t see her often, but the times you do are fun and memorable. She’s got her quirks, but even her quirks are cool. Conversations with her are sexual. (just kidding)

You know the one! You can tell the exact moment she’s had one too many. And it isn’t because she just tried to make out with your husband. That's her normal, but it’s when she gets that look. The look that makes you say “oh shit. Here we go.” You can see it in her eyes she’s going to blow! You say one wrong thing and her head is gonna spin around 360 degrees while she spits pea soup from her possessed mouth. Your only choice is to stay far far away or to knock her drunk a++ out. Conversations with her are impossible.

The new girl; The girl from the country. Doesn’t drink much or do any drugs…ever. Sensitive yet strong. Devoted wife who pretends her husband rules the roost, but I know when it comes down to it, she’s really in charge! She volunteers more time in a week to charity then I do in several months! She never forgets a greeting card on any special occasion and has a skill for listening. She’s a coupon cuttin’, Bible fearing homemaker with a southern drawl and a heart of gold. Conversations with her are refreshing!

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned…..
Ok, so those are lyrics from a Natasha Bedingfield song…. you caught me.
But seriously, in my continuous effort for seeking self awareness, I have become a thinker; an analyst and somewhat of a critic as you can plainly see. One thing I have always been proud of is my network of friends. I love my girls. I just want to be clear on that. But I seem to be seeing them different lately. I have this thirst to know myself better which has led me to craving a clearer knowledge of those who I associate with.
Am I judging my friends or am I seeking my own truth through analyzing them?

I can say this, every single person I call "friend" has something very special in the depth of their spirit. Every single person I have chosen as a friend has made me laugh until my face hurts on several occasions. No one is perfect and as I write this I realize that it is not about them, the things I seem to be picking apart…it is about me and what I am able to accept and look past. It is about friendship and love, conflict and resolution. It is about learning through interaction with people that will only help me in my journey towards awareness.
I will pick my battles and not bother with that which I cannot change, but focus on changing what I can, like the bad drunk who tries to make out with my husband!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

NOT a wimpy kid!

My son inherited my passion for the written word and my love of the outdoors. Just look at him...sitting in a tree reading one of his favorite books....

Part of Tyler's 5th grade homework is to read for half an hour every day. Thank God he loves to read, but the simple fact that it is homework, makes him push it off to the last minutes of the day. Except for yesterday. I was just about to call Tyler in to do his homework when I caught a glimpse of him through the kitchen window walking through the yard with a book in his hand. I wasn't sure where he was headed but I watched him make his way to his favorite climbing tree in the backyard and I knew what he was planning to do so I grabbed my camera. Look at him! He is just so stinkin' cute! What a priceless moment to watch your kid seek out his own private refuge away from the world to get lost in a good book.

Actually, I hope it's a good book. I've never read it. I certainly hope, judging by the title alone, that it has no real significance in Tyler's life. The book is called A Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Should I be scared?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Old Faithful

I'd like to start by saying that doofy is not a least not in the Webster dictionary, but it will remain in my personal vocab.

With that being said.............

Wow.... I seemed to have lost my blogging motivation there for a little while. Bloggers Block caused by massive hormonal changes in my bod! I recently had a 5 year IUD removed and went on a birth control pill called Seasonale. I will only get my period 4 times a year! Sounded fantastic to me considering my disorder with premenstrual problems. BUT in the meantime, as my body is attempting to adjust to the hormonal changes, I have been an emotional wreck. For a couple of weeks I haven't been able to control my feelings at all! I have felt sadness, anger, extreme excitement, happiness, anxiety, lack of interest in sex, disappointment, fatigue and just overall NUTS!

But I am happy to report that I kept consistent with physical activity and I also kept the faith in "this too shall pass." And it has, for now. The last couple of days have been better and today I actually feel pretty great.

Being a person of deep constant thought, of course I am kicking around ideas as to why the difference in attitude from a week ago to present day. I want to know the why's and how's so I can work through this if it happens again! I think I've gained some clarity....

The obvious reason number one....

"Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me!!!!" The sun was brightly shining for 4 whole days! There is something to be said about the power of the sunshine and how it can elevate your mood! I suppose I am not the first person to make this revelation. Someone somewhere along the line figured out that there was such a thing as Winter Blues which ultimately is caused by lack of vitamin D that comes from sunshine!!!!! I love the spring and the warmth the sun brings to my body and soul! Vitamin D me baby!

Better mood reason number two... Old Faithful. I think my body was in PMS mode, even though I am not suppose to have a period this month, my body has been trained and molded over the years to go postal....I mean premenstrual twelve times a year....FAITHFULLY. Trying to groom Old Faithful to go off 8 less times a year is going to have it's challenges. Big time. The good news here for me is PMS has subsided, I never had an actual period (Old Faithful didn't explode) and I got ME back for the time being.

Better mood reason number three... I make me laugh! Almost daily, but that stopped for a teeny weeny moment in time (did I mention PMS, hormone changes and lack of sunshine?).

Yesterday I went to the dentist. After the hygienist was finished cleaning my teeth and swelling my gums she asked me what color toothbrush I wanted. I said,

"Oh, I dunno, maybe a girlie color since I live with two boys."

From behind me I hear the voice of my dentist (who is a big burly man) say,
"What do you consider girlie colors?"

Mind you, I am still reclined in the chair and he is behind me; I cannot see him.

"Oh, like red or purple or pink....something like that."

"I have red." The hygienist says, in a voice that wasn't as bubbly as it was before.

"Ok red is good." I say. "My favorite color is blue, but Tyler's toothbrush is blue and........."

I am suddenly silenced as my dentist approaches to do his check up on my teeth.

He is wearing a pink shirt.


What else could I do but laugh? I forgot that it is cool for guys to wear pink now. I didn't even attempt to redeem myself. I just laughed and let him do his thing in my mouth (get your mind out of the gutter, did I mention he was wearing pink..), hoping and praying that he had not taken offense to me calling him girlie.

I have laughed about this story several times already thus confirming....
laughter is the best medicine of all!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Tall Girl = Bad Posture

I have bad posture. Not sure the exact reasons why but I've boiled it down to two....

Reason #1. I am a 5 feet 11 inch tall amazon woman. As a kid, I towered over everyone, even the boys. I thought that slouching somehow would make me appear shorter but instead it just made me look doofier. Is doofy a word because I want it to be, but it's being underlined in red?


Reason #2. I have larger breasts that, after child birth, hang lower than they naturally should. I have to wear bras that hold them up and hurt my shoulders. In fact, my shoulders have canyon size divots in them from years of old lady bra abuse. Holding my shoulders back means lifting those puppies up and that's challenging at times!

Now that I am an adult, I am no longer ashamed of my height, but years of slouching has taken its toll on my body. Good posture is extremely difficult for me to maintain, no matter how hard I try.

"Chin up, Chest Out....Shoulders back..."

Lasts about 5 minutes before I am back in doof-land.

So I'm watching "Biggest Loser" the other night and one of the trainers was talking about desk jobs.

I have a desk job.

He said that people with desk jobs especially have to make time to move and work on their bodies. He said desk jobs where you sit in front of computer all day (That's ME!) are the worst for your posture!


He said there is hope for us desk job doofers though....

His advice:

Keep a resistance band at your desk...


Sit on an exercise ball!

He said that sitting on an exercise ball immediately engages your abs and makes you sit up straight.

YEEEEEE- HAAAAAAAA! That sounds fun! And I actually have one of those! I am sold! So I asked my husband to blow up the ball for me and I took it to work the next day and I sat on it. Yes I did. I am not lying.

Mr. Trainer Boy was right. It does engage your abs and it does make you sit up straight. But what he didn't say is that sitting on the ball would trigger our inner child and our natural born instinct to BOUNCE!!!!!

And bounce I did. All day long.....

Bounced until the words on my computer screen were blurring and making me dizzy...

Bounced until my bra became a sling shot...

Bounced until I forgot I was bouncing...

Bounced while speaking to my boss who said and I quote...

"What the hell are you doing?"

He couldn't see the bouncy ball I was sitting on from where he was so I showed him and gave him a look like "Hello? Haven't you ever seen anyone sitting on one of these before?"

Boing, boing, boing..... "Better Posture" I say....boing, boing, boing

He wasn't surprised because I've done dorkier he rolled his eyes and walked away unamused.

Ultimately, the exercise ball defeated it's purpose for me. I sat on it with the intention of correcting my posture problems. But instead, I bounced my saggy breasts right out of their holding cups and blackened my eyes! Ha! I am just kidding.

But seriously, I cannot sit on that thing and not bounce. It's impossible. Go ahead, try it if you want....

So for now, I've given up the exercise ball as an office chair....

I'll keep practicing good posture though....

"Chin up, Chest out, Shoulders back"

In the meantime I'm checking Webster's Dictionary to see if doofy is a word.

"I'm A Bee"

I found a new favorite running song.

And I cannot believe I am about to admit this!

I went to a Black Eyed Peas concert recently because I fell in love with their song "Tonight's gonna be a good night." I was pretty unfamiliar with their other music so before the concert I downloaded a few of their songs to my i-pod, not knowing that I was about to embark on a tune that would provide a massive pep in my step!

When I first heard my new favorite running song on the radio, I did not know it was sung by the Black Eyed Peas and quite honestly I hated it. It annoyed me and made me feel anxious.

I thought "Geez, they can actually make money off of lyrics like this? Lyrics that involve a buzzing insect talking about itself?"

I thought it was a theme song for some animated kids movie!

"I'm a bee, I'm a bee, I'm a....I'm a....I'm a bee..."

Yep, those are the words I heard. Thought the song was about a bee....

Until the concert.
Boy did I feel stupid when they started singing this song.

It's not "I'm a bee."

It's "Imma be!"

Like, "I'm Gonna be!"

OK, I guess I don't have to explain that to you. You probably already knew that.


Saturday morning I went to my local walking trail to hit the pavement for a good 4 miles. I went by myself, just me and my ipod. I walked the first 1/2 mile, jogged a solid 2, walked another 1/2 mile and then jogged the last mile; the last super challenging, painful, breathless, miserable mile..

that is...


these words took over my brain...

"Imma be takin them pics, lookin' all fly and shit
Imma be the flyest chick, so fly
Imma be spreadin' my wings
Imma be doin' my thang, do it, do it, okay"

Suddenly I become re-motivated! I miraculously caught my breath. My sneakers miraculously turned into bouncy clouds of heaven and I suddenly felt like Forrest Gump in that scene when his leg braces burst off his fast little legs! I pushed myself hard and finished the last stretch of the last mile with a bang.

As I drove home from the trail feeling really energized, it dawned on me that I must have burned like a million calories! So I amused myself (I do that a lot) and started to sing to my own little tune...

"Imma be, Imma be, Imma Imma Imma be.....
Imma be, Imma be....goin' to lunch at Applebee's."

(Ok, I guess you had to be there.)

Friday, March 19, 2010

My Spring Baby

I love this time of year. When the snow melts away and little buds of bloom start to appear as new life begins. The first day of spring is very special for me because it is the day I gave birth to my "little bud" 11 years ago.

My hope for my son is that as he evolves and celebrates many more birthdays, may he always be able to hear the whisper of spring in his ear. May it remind him of closed chapters with new beginnings; may the evidence of new life all around him help him to believe in miracles; and may the freshness of the spring air always remind him to take a break and just breathe.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

My Husband Doesn't Jog

Ran 2 point 2 miles this morning.

Well, I shouldn't use the word "ran" because I jog...and not fast either.
I've been jogging on and off for about 7 years now and have always been a 2 - 2 and a half mile girl. Sometimes on weekends I push it to 3, but anything beyond that, I get bored with trying to convince myself that running is fun. I like to run because it burns calories and fast. It makes me sweat and sweating makes me visualize the pounds of fat just melting away! Jogging has never come easy to me though, no matter how much I do it. I lose my breath within the first few minutes and I feel the pressure of double my body weight hitting the pavement with every step. I don't have athletic legs and the jiggle sensation in my backside within the first half mile reminds me that I've got some junk in the trunk! But somehow (mind over matter) my body begins to go a little numb, my breathing eases and with the support of motivating music playing loudly in my ears, I am able to push through my two point two!
I am proud of being able to jog two miles. One would think I'd completed a 26 mile marathon the way I pat my own back after a run. I just love the way it makes me feel! It puts me in a better mood and just simply creates a higher quality day.

My husband doesn't jog. He is fit because he is a dedicated construction worker and not a couch potato. Currently, he's a smoker with plans to give it up since he's got a quitter wife.

The time changed this week.

It's dark when I wake up. Pitch black with stars in fact.

I got a little freaked out my first time hitting the pavement since turning the clocks forward. I live in a good neighborhood. I’ve never been afraid to take a jog by myself with music blaring in my ears. I’ve never been afraid of saying good morning to strangers either. But suddenly, I’m old and afraid of the dark. I jogged with only one earphone in so I could hear any crazies approaching me from behind. I jogged faster than usual so I could get home and feel safe. I told my husband that I was afraid of the dark. He laughed a little but then said he’d come with me until the sun started to rise earlier.

I have the best husband on Earth.

So I tease,

“You sure you can keep up with me smoker boy?”

“I don’t know, we’ll see.” He replies. “I don’t have anything to wear. I need some sweats.”

So I found him some old boy sweats I had in my closet that would fit him…sort of.

“I don’t have good sneakers,” he says.

“Why don’t you just take your bike and ride while I jog? You’ve never jogged 2 miles anyways. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.”
I laugh.

He’s not amused.

We wake up this morning at 5:30. I say “Are you ready?”

“Yep!” He leaps out of bed like he’s about to go on a tropical vacation, not a jog.

OK, so we’re jogging. He’s keeping up with my fairly slow pace.

He’s talking.

I can’t even breathe.

How the hell can he be talking??!?!?!??!

Now he’s singing. Mother f’er. Excuse my language, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t think it.

He’s humming to “Eye of the Tiger” like he’s F’ing Rocky Balboa!

I’m still just trying to breathe.

He’s running backwards now, looking at me. Still humming....

My husband doesn’t jog, did I mention that?

“OK, please don’t show off.” I say.

He laughs and continues the remainder of the 2 miles with me... at my fairly slow pace. He makes it the whole way without taking a break to walk. I'm very impressed because in all honesty, I really didn't think he could do it! I’m proud of him; although maybe a tad jealous that it appears to come so easy to some people, like my husband. So after I say “Nice job honey!” and slap him a high five, I ask,

“Was it really THAT easy for you? Because you certainly made it look that way.”

He admitted that it wasn’t. He said his lungs hurt and that he looks forward to jogging with me again after he gives up the smokes. He said he just kept saying to himself,

“I can do this…..I can’t let my lady beat me.”

So I felt better at least knowing that he wasn’t a natural born athlete, but rather just a competitive alpha male that didn’t want to be outdone by his wife!

Like I said in the beginning, jogging has never come easy to me. Quite the contrary; it’s hard for me; really, really hard! But it’s also really worth it. And I am very appreciative of my wonderful husband who is willing to go the distance with me to make me feel happy and safe. I will try my best to not take his kind gestures for granted and to not get jealous of his physical ability.

But you can bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow morning......
I’m jogging alone and bringing mace.

Please note: My husband and I never resort to name calling and I have never literally called him a Mother F’er…. I love him.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

It's Me Passion!

Writing is something I am good at. It is what I love to do. "It's Me Passion" (said like a leprechaun in the spirit of St. Patty's). But as much as I love to express myself through the written word, I don't do it enough. What does one have to do to be a good writer? The answer is simple, WRITE!

Thus, my blog! I started it for one reason and that is to write. I don't have a single theme and there isn't a rhyme or reason; I just want to write about stuff. And I have a little secret....I kind of want people to read it! So,I've been trying to venture out of the safety of my own blog-zone to find me some friends and to observe how other bloggers do it. There are some cool kid bloggers out there; I am impressed!

I've discovered that many blogs have themes. There are faith related blogs, recipe related blogs, and WOW a ton of blogs revolved around raising kids! I'm spiritual, not so much religious, I love to cook and I'm raising a tween son! All notable topics worthy of writing about, sure! But I think I'm too scatter brained to pick just one. I think I want to write about all of some! I think I want to write about things that I am thinking about. Yikes, I think I might think too much!

So far, I am glad that I started my own blog. It has spiked my curiosity and my creativity to a new level. I feel a little more disciplined these days and I seem to look at things a little differently too. I look for the humor and the lessons in simple daily life because now, I get to blog about it. And in visiting different blogs, I've felt a connection to other writers who are sharing their life experience. They have provided insight and have been rather inspiring to me as I attempt to nourish me passion.

I am excited to be having this experience as a blogger! My intention is to keep up with it as much as I can and to grow; To stay inspired; To live in the moment; To experience life and to write about it!

Monday, March 15, 2010

It's not a blob!

My husband has had only one request since I've been talking about my new blog. He asked that I not share the "intimate" details of our relationship. I assured him that his "intimate" secrets are safe with me and all 6 of my readers, but that I would respect his wishes and not talk about our sex life.

I am so sorry ladies, but even though I won't be able to disclose what a fantastic lover my husband is, I am able to share a funny little story with you.....

My husband had an appointment with a Gastroenterologist the other day. He came home with this look on his face like he had been violated. I can't tell you the "intimate" details but I am sure you can guess the trauma he had suffered being that he's a manly man and all. So of course I teased him a little until I could tell he was no longer amused. Suddenly he shouts out, "You're not gonna write about this on your BLOB are you?"

Yep, he called it a BLOB.

Friday, March 12, 2010

"My Own Worst Enemy....."

Song relevance for today.....


"Can we forget about the things I said
When I was drunk
I didn't mean to call you that
I can't remember what was said or what you threw at me
Please tell me, please tell me Why
My car is in the front yard,
And I'm Sleeping with my clothes on
Came in through the window last night
And your gone..........."

I heard this song in the car this morning. Played it really loud and sang the words at the top of my lungs. I've probably heard the song a hundred times already but today I actually heard the words. I couldn't help but giggle as I was reminded of some really silly times with my friends. Surprised? Me too.
OK, so the song is about a guy who comes home drunk and his girlfriend leaves him, probably because she's been through this with him before and is done. He doesn't remember what happened last night, but knows he messed up. After all, he's his own worst enemy. Kind of a sad story to put to such an upbeat tempo! The beat makes me want to jump up and down as I have visions of being a rock star! So where did I find the humor in the lyrics? Once again...a song taking on a new meaning as I listened with my own interpretation...
I thought about me and my friends and the fun celebrations we've had. Things may be calming down some as we get older, but the memories we've created so far are quite amusing to say the least. We've really whooped it up at times, ridding ourselves of any inhibitions and on some occasions, suffering short term memory loss from a little too much Cabernet!
"Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?" I know for a fact that some of us wish we could take back stupid things we said or did. It's always fun when your friends remind you that you blurted out the specific details of what your post-child breasts look like and even worse...that you showed them! Or when you're shown the video of your confident-American-Idol-self beep bobbin and singing every word to "The Love Shack."

"I'm sleeping with my clothes on....." and a half eaten cheeseburger hanging out of my mouth! (This is a personal joke to one of my best friends who will get a good laugh out of it).

Of course there have also been moments of remorse, when it's not so funny because you've said something to someone that you regret or even worse, something rude was said to you.
"I didn't mean to call you that." At happy hour one evening, a friend of mine got called a smurf. And let me tell you, she was not happy about it! Don't ask us where the smurf comment came from or why it wasn't funny, because we really can't remember but I personally think smurfs are cute.

One would think, given the information in my recent blogging history, that the words "I Am My Own Worst Enemy" would have different significance for me. But today, it's simply just the title of a song that stimulated a really good mood and perhaps a few flashbacks......

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Power in Lyrics....

"I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life, as ready as I've ever been. Got the hunger and the stars in my eyes, the prize is mine to win......"
Lyrics from "Get Ready, Get Set, Don't Go" by Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus.

I know this song is intended to be about a daughter spreading her wings and the difficulty of a father letting go. But the beauty of songs is in our own interpretation of the lyrics they contain. This song moves me every time I hear it. It suddenly becomes MY theme song. I aspire each day to wake up with gratitude, with wonder, with the hunger and the stars in my eyes. When I hear these lyrics, it doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, my mood changes. I become inspired and feel creative in an instant. My imagination takes me to the starting line of the rest of my life and the road to the finish is paved with curiosity and excitement. Isn't the power of music amazing; how one simple line from a song can invigorate us and provoke such deep feeling? Music is a great gift; a prize within itself. As I continue to take inventory of my life, I am also going to take inventory of my favorite lyrics and somehow link the relevance as I blog it out.
"I'm at the starting line of the rest of my life, as ready as I've ever been, got the hunger and the stars in my eyes, the prize is mine to win...."

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Redeeming myself from yesterday......

Wow, talk about moody. My previous post obviously reveals a little anger and frustration. After some reflection on my written word, I’ve realized that I internalize stuff too much. I let what other people think get to me and I stew over it and let it rent way too much space in my mind! A better way to deal with opposing views and opinions would be to simply stand up for myself in the moment and assure people that my choices are no reflection on them. A friend of mine said that facing resistance is a good thing. It means change is in the air! Change is always resisted so the fact that I am feeling it means change is taking place for me. I should be celebrating being successful and realize that people resist because of fear. Fear of the unknown. I can calm their fears by revealing my true self through sticking to my goals and accomplishing good things. And I am positive that the changes I am making will only reveal a better me, not a different me.
Maybe some of my frustration comes from questioning my intentions. When others question me, I can’t help but to question myself. But I do have the right to be who I am; whoever that may be. I have the right to make choices. I have the right to change my mind and I even have the right to make mistakes. I also have the right to stand up for myself, something I need to work on a little more. I would truly like the ability to make my intentions clear to myself and to others in a loving manner so that people get it right away and don’t question. Something I will aspire to do.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Facing Resistance

I thought peer pressure was something we were only supposed to experience when we were teenagers. But it has been made very clear to me that my thoughts are wrong about that. What is it about the nature of a human that makes us feel entitled to give our thoughts and opinions about someone else's decisions when we aren’t even asked? I am quite sure I have been guilty of it myself, but in light of recent events, am just as sure that I will make every effort possible in the future to butt out!

I spent entirely too much time in the past couple of weeks defending my lifestyle; which is crazy considering that I am not living an even somewhat “alternative” lifestyle! I’m in the mainstream, basically conforming to what society might consider normal! OK, I can just picture my friends rolling on the floor laughing at that one! I guess I may be exaggerating “normal” because privately, those closest to me know that my free spirit may land parts of me in the “alternative” lifestyle category defined by some. But for the most part, I don’t feel like I am living to such an extreme where I need guidance from the wise ones who think they know which direction I should be headed in. I’m pretty sure that in some instances, I might just know what is best for ME! Two instances in two days in which I had to defend…

Instance number ONE:

I gave up drinking recently. Not permanently, but perhaps indefinitely. I’ve been defining indefinite as being “temporary and until further notice.” But the mainstream doesn’t like that definition. The mainstream wants it defined. They want to know what, when, where, how and why. So here it is….defined:
The WHAT…. When I drink, I drink too much. Hangovers suck and I’m sick of it.Drinking inhibits my ability to make good decisions, to quit smoking and to live a healthier lifestyle.
The WHEN….. I’ve been in party mode for most of my adult life.
The WHERE…Every concert, every house warming, every birthday party, every camping trip, every happy hour, every holiday gathering, every celebration, every vacation, here, there and every freaking’where.
The HOW……Baby steps. Step one, 40 days and 40 nights. Thereafter? The answer will be.....Until further notice.
The WHY…… Both my body and my spirit are telling me to.

And to those who question and resist, it makes me feel disheartened, and so I ask;

The WHAT….We are friends WAY beyond drinking buddies, aren’t we?
The WHERE…Every concert, every house warming, every birthday party, every camping trip, every happy hour, every holiday gathering, every celebration, every vacation, here, there and every freaking’where……….am I wrong?
The WHEN….will there ever be an occasion when I won’t have to explain why there isn’t a beer in my hand?
The HOW….I won’t be dropping out of life and I hope you will be able to see that I am still me.
The WHY…. Peer pressure in my 30’s? Seriously?

Instance number TWO:

I am 99% positive that one child is enough for me. I had my son when I was 25 and he is almost 11 years old. I met the man of my dreams two and a half years ago and we were married this past October. My husband has embraced his instant family with open arms and is a wonderful step father. My son respects my husband and their relationship continues to grow as they learn acceptance of one another. My husband doesn’t have any children of his own and doesn’t have a desperate desire to reproduce. We have discussed having more children and the fact that I am almost certain that I don’t want any more. He supports that and has made it clear to me that it is OK with him. So why is it that people try to convince him that he actually DOES want children of his own? Why is it that people can’t comprehend that two adults in their 30’s who decide to get married might not take the next natural step and reproduce more humans? Why is it that some people will even go as far as to try and convince a child that he DOES want a baby brother or sister even when he clearly states that he does NOT? What is so wrong with being an only child? My son seems to like it and has always stood strong in stating that he actually prefers it.

I absolutely love being a mom, to ONE child. And I don’t think that I am crazy for not wanting any more, but I am going to start going crazy if I have to defend my position on the subject one more time. My family is fine the way it is right now. It is a personal decision to choose to bring another life into this world and there is a 1% chance I may. But we will decide together as a family under the guidance of God, not under the pressure of the masses.

For us as we are right now; me, the hubby, the tween and the shih-tzu….
It’s happily ever after….

The DARE program teaches kids clever things to say when they are being peer pressured and since the necessity has arisen for me at the ripe age of 36, I’ve been practicing one liners that might get people to keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves. Like when I’m asked “Why aren’t you drinking anymore?” I could say something like “It’s against my new religion,” Or maybe when people ask “When are you guys having a baby?” I could lie and say “my husband’s shooting blanks.” It’s sad to say but it might be a lot easier for me to lie rather than try and convince the mainstream that MY truth is worthwhile.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

"Can't Touch This"

Last night I stepped foot in a dance studio for the first time in my life. I never took ballet or tap lessons as a young girl. I shot BB guns, hung loose on a surfboard and played softball. But I always admired the girls (and boys) who had rhythm and could make their feet move so gracefully without falling on their faces. My lack of coordination and grace prevented me from following any dream of ever becoming a ballerina. I have friends who can dance and I support their talent. But last night I gained a whole new respect for the world of dance and the people that dwell there.

I have a friend who has been dancing all of her life. She currently is a dance instructor at the studio I visited last night. They were offering a hip-hop / break dancing class and my friend, knowing that I like to spice up my exercise routines, asked if I would be interested. So I recruited another friend and we made the one hour commitment to shake our groove 'thang'. Little did I know that it would be one hour of the most intense cardiovascular exertion I have ever experienced! In ONE hour, I perspired more than I would have in five hours of mountain climbing up a 90 degree incline in the Appalachians (not that I’ve ever done that, but you get what I mean)!

The teacher of this class was extremely motivating and talented. He brought us on an adventure through hip hop music history starting with Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” and ending with “Get Low” by Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys. There were a bunch of songs in between like “Ride the White Horse” and “Chicken Noodle Soup.” He played clips of each song while teaching us the respective dance moves. Let me give you a visual...

There are seven of us in the room. All adults; five females, one male and of course the instructor. We are on the second floor of a strip mall. We are in a relatively small room with wood floors, pale yellow walls and a mirror that goes from floor to ceiling covering the wall we are facing. The side wall was a wall of windows. Windows that faced the busy parking lot and a sparkling McDonalds! Windows that gave the world a glimpse of us bustin' a move. At one point we’re dancing to the rhythm of “Chicken Noodle Soup.” Goes a little something like this….
“Chicken noodle soup” Kick to right “Chicken noodle soup” kick to the left, “Chicken Noodle Soup” kick the right “With a soda on the side!” hold your right kick up in the air while pretending to drink a soda with your right hand. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Did I mention that McDonalds was to the right? Gasping for air and wiping sweat from my brow I thought, “screw the soda on the side” and had visions of a Big Mac.

Then it was Hammer time! Remember MC Hammer? Remember his pants? Remember that dance move that put him in a wide ass squat position as he moved back and forth in lobster formation while rolling his shoulders to the beat of “Can’t Touch This”?
Yep, that’s right, we did that. Although my shoulder rolling looked more like some distorted version of a hiccup.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried it, but I’m positive you’ve seen it done….THE MOONWALK. Holy Hardness Batman!!!! I tried and tried. My sneakers were sticking to the floor which made the sliding effect I was aiming for quite comical. I took my shoes off thinking my socks would glide over the wood better and maybe it would have worked if my feet didn’t sweat. Sticky, sweaty socks and trying to master the moonwalk; a little baby powder would have been nice. I turned to the side to watch my Moonwalk skills (or lack there of) in the big ol’ unforgiving mirror. I must have been hot because my face is now purple. The instructor kindly reminded me to breathe.

People that dance and make it look easy are amazing. The instructor last night was extremely amazing! I took his card just in case I feel the sudden urge to show off my new skill. We can get together for a dance-off or something.

I love music and I love how the beat makes us want to move our bodies. I love letting loose on the dance floor and I honestly loved taking this class. It was the work out of all work outs and really was enjoyable even though it was unsympathetic to my 36 year old joints (a little sore today). And although I won’t be auditioning for Dancing With the Stars any time soon, I would take another dance class in a heart beat, that is right after I ice this knee.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Doodling Daisies

My desk calendar tells the story of my life! Without it, I’m not sure how I would keep track! I even go as far as to save previous months and currently I can go back over a year and be able to figure out pretty much what I did on any given day. I’m writing about this today, Sunday, February 28, 2010 because I was noticing how the activity on my calendar has dramatically increased recently and the activity is exciting me!
I know sometimes having too many plans can be overwhelming. Even fun events on the calendar start to seem like just something else on the to-do list; unless you’re someone like me who is trying to change her ways. I am dedicated to living a healthier lifestyle and the writing on my calendar is showing the proof!

My life for the past few days:
Thursday, February 25th at 2:45 pm- MY VERY FIRST MAMMOGRAM.
May not seem like a big deal at first glance, but to me it was! I had been putting it off for almost a year. My last yearly visit at the Gynecologist was shortly after my 35th birthday last year. It was then that I was told it was time for a mammogram. My doctor handed me a piece of paper that was a referral for a radiology office. That piece of paper traveled with the pages of my desk calendar for ten months.

QUICK NOTE: My calendar is one of those with the big pages that lay flat on a desk top. There is room to write on each day. There are note sections and even tons of room to doodle! I’m a doodler. My choice of doodle is daisies. My desk calendar is light green.

So anyway, I would remove the page at the end of each month, see the referral from my gynecologist and put it right back under the current page to put it off until yet the NEXT month! As time went by, as quickly as it does these days, I realized that my 36th birthday was quickly approaching and after hearing a story from a friend about her abnormal mammogram, I decided to make the appointment. I don’t know why I put it off so long. A mammogram didn’t scare me, but in hindsight, maybe I was scared of getting older. Preventive maintenance is a good step toward living a healthier lifestyle, so I went through with it with my head up, my modesty in check and my breasts in a vice!
No results yet, but I am confident that no news means good news.

Friday, February 26th – PAYDAY!!!!
Pretty uneventful, but I’m always excited on payday.

Saturday, February 27th at 7:30 pm – BLACK EYED PEAS CONCERT

The significance of this night is big for me. I stayed sober. Not one ounce of alcohol entered my bloodstream which made not smoking easy for me among the hundreds of smokers I encountered that night. Looking back in history at my concert going days, it wasn’t often that I didn’t have a few drinks to loosen up and REALLY enjoy the show. I can only remember ONE concert in fact that I didn’t drink and it was when I took my son to see Aerosmith. I am a little embarrassed to write those words, but the truth is the truth and I am using it to set me free.
Anyway, the concert was a blast! The Black Eyed Peas put on a great show. Their last song was their big new hit “I got a feelin………..whoooo…hoooooo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night…that tonight’s gonna be a good good night!” (I know your singing it to yourself right now). And it WAS a good night indeed, especially for me because I gained the confidence to know that I don’t need alcohol to have fun. And better yet, I don’t need it to boogie!

Sunday, March 1, 2010 in the early afternoon-MY FIRST ORGANIC PURCHASE
I dragged my husband with me to the Whole Foods Supermarket today. I just wanted to check it out. All this stuff I’ve been hearing about the hormones and antibiotics being injected into the meat we eat is a little scary to me. I watched a program about how they have revolutionized the “manufacturing” of chickens by being able to grow a full size chicken in 30 days instead of the 3 months it should take…or something like that. I don’t know all the exact facts but I think it’s pretty weird when a chicken grows so fast that its little chicken legs can barely keep up with its body weight. Yuck. Long story short, I bought grass fed beef and a chicken that was able to develop without injections in the freedom of a field. I’m not obsessed, but just taking small steps in the right direction that support my very own personal health preferences.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010 –VACATION DAY to go SKIING!!!!!!!
A healthy physical activity I enjoy very much, especially without cigarettes and beer. Going with a friend who has never skied before which always makes for a few good laughs.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010, 6:45-7:45 pm – HIP-HOP / BREAK DANCING CLASS
Yes you read that right. I said break dancing. Ha! A few friends and I are doing this class together. Some of us have a little rhythm and dance talent; some of us do not. Some of us will be wearing our Depends.

YES, It is apparent that I have a lot going on these days! I have made some goals for myself and by simply reflecting on what is written on my calendar in the most recent of days, I feel a sense of success. I realize that not every week will be packed jammed with things to do as the future unfolds, but right now it’s really nice rediscovering ways to enjoy my life while still promoting healthy living. I know the time will come when my calendar introduces an empty day or two. I will embrace those days as well....with some rest and relaxation. If the blank of the page should begin to bore me, I’ll just fill in the space by doodling daisies!

Saturday, March 20, 2010 - MY SON TYLER’S 11TH BIRTHDAY!
My child is the best gift that has ever been given to me. He is also the driving force behind me trying to live my best life. A healthier Mom is a better Mom.

Friday, February 26, 2010


Last night we watched an Ellen Degeneres comedy routine. The one about procrastination where she focuses on the busy lifestyles and conveniences of today. Too funny. She spoke about Disorders like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder and how we've become too busy to even say the whole name so we abbreviated them to OCD and ADD. She came up with an abbreviation of her own called TBD..... TOO BUSY DISORDER. This cracked me up. Everything she said was so true! And of course she put a humorous spin to the fast paced crazy lifestyles we seem to all be living! But in between all the humor lied the absolute truth. We need to slow down, take time to smell the roses so to speak. She made me laugh when she talked about yoga and how we have come to the point where we are paying for silence! We're so busy busy busy all the time and craving to be just be still and quiet, yet in those quiet moments, we're still going full speed ahead on the inside. Ellen spoke of an experience in yoga when the instructor told her to clear her mind. So she is still and quiet and trying to meditate when what pops into her head?....
"Mama keeps it bright, bright like the sunshine, mama's got the magic of Clorox Two!"
Hilarious. I laughed so hard I couldn't breath! I have tried meditation many times and it has been a rare occasion when I was able to completely clear my mind. I think Ellen got it right. I have TBD. My son reminded me of this when I was rushing him out of the house this morning to get to school because I had to hit the bank on the way because I couldn't do it later because I had groceries to get and bills to pay and this and that to do. My son said to me "Mom, remember what Ellen said last night. Ya know, that disorder you have?" HA! So at least for today, I'm going to get my TBD in check and relax a little. I do have some things that need to get done, but in between errands I am going to try and be present. I'm going to notice the beauty around me. It's snowing outside. I'm going to take some deep breaths and think about everything that is wonderful in my life. I am going to be still and appreciative. And if I procrastinate a little and don't get everything on the to-do list done, there is always tomorrow. Thanks Ellen
see a few clips here:

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Jaw dropping start of a "Just Say No" discussion

Prompted by something he saw on television last night, my soon to be 11 year old said that he thinks marijuana should be legalized. Within a few seconds, a hundred thoughts were going through my head. I have learned that a shocked, jaw dropping response on my part creates discomfort for him and inhibits open communication for our future. So keeping in mind that I want my son to be able to talk to me about anything, I quickly maintained my composure and asked "Why do you think that?" To which he replied "Because it helps people who are suffering from terminal illness." I was instantly reminded of a close friend of mine who I watched suffer through cancer that ultimately took her life. Smoking marijuana was the only thing that provided some relief from the pain and from the side effects of chemo. Do I tell my son about this? Do I tell a 10 year old that on some level I agree with him? I decide to ask more questions starting with, "What did they teach you about marijuana in DARE?" Lucky for me, my son just graduated from the DARE program a couple of months ago. He proceeded to tell me everything he learned including that marijuana could be a gateway drug and lead to the experimentation with stronger drugs like cocaine and heroin. I felt a little sick to my stomach when considering my son's curiosity and how it won't be long before he is a teenager and has to make the choice to say no. At least I hope with all my heart that he chooses to say no. I tried really hard to listen to him and wait for the right moment to put my two cents in. I felt proud of him as he spoke. He said, "Alcohol is legal and I think it could be like one of the worst drugs out there. It's legal but like, it doesn't help anyone who is sick like marijuana does. It kinda doesn't make sense Mom. And the DARE teacher told us that like one of the biggest addictions in America is prescription pills." Wow. I am impressed with the DARE program. As he talked I decided to take this wonderful opportunity to provide some of my own feelings on the subject of drug use. I told my son that the day would come when he would have to make a choice. We talked about peer pressure and curiosity. I told him what my expectations were and that I understand how hard it is to be kid sometimes. I assured him that I am a good listener and even though I'm his mom, I will listen without judgment when he wants to talk about the pressures of growing up. We talked about the dangers of drug use and I told him my sincere hope is that he won't try marijuana no matter how strong the temptation may be. Right now, he assures me with a promise to say no to drugs. I told him I think he is wise beyond his years and that I was confident he would make good choices in his life. At the end of the conversation I felt confident enough in my son's understanding to tell him the story of my friend. My friend with cancer who used marijuana to ease her pain. Ultimately, I didn't feel comfortable enough to agree or disagree with a 10 year old and his position on the subject of legalizing marijuana, but I did let him know that his opinions were valuable.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Dream symbolism

Could my crazy dream last night be symbolic of my life in some way?
Before I tell you the details of my dream, maybe I should lay out the foundation of my current situation. If you read my post about Lent, you already know that CHANGE is in the forecast for me. I wasn't specific yet in what changes I am actually making but I figure if I am going to be honest with myself, I can probably start by putting it out there to my readers (all three of you, ha!)
To start, I have made a decision to quit smoking. If you are in my close circle of friends, you will know that I have quit a hundred times only to start again. I have had some good quits under my belt; once for two years even! I have come to realize that what brings me back most of time is drinking! I'm a social drinker, have been most of my adult life. But as I get older, it's getting old. And it isn't helping my desire to live a healthy life style. With that being said, I am at this moment, 4 days smoke free. I really want it to stick this time so to ensure my success, I have decided to cut out the alcohol too, for a good long while. It will be good for me in more ways than I could ever list here. But for starters, it will help me to be more disciplined in healthy eating and exercising. I love to exercise yet find myself making excuses to be lazy, like being hungover for instance?
So my quest for healthier living has led me to a place of constant self evaluation. I don't think I am obsessed, but I do think I think too much! And what I think about, I dream about! I've always done that. My dreams are reflections on what is going on in my life and especially what is going on in my head. My dreams don't reflect my life exactly but the symbolism in them sometimes astounds me!
Like last nights dream. I was in a gym. The gym was full of really old equipment..I mean like really old. Rusty. In my dream I wasn't thrilled about being there. I got on a treadmill for like 2 minutes when I noticed a refrigerator across the way. A woman opened the door and it was full of cans of beer! In real life I prefer bottles so not quite sure why my brain chose cans. Anyway, I hopped off the treadmill in an instant and headed for the fridge. I grabbed myself a beer and then headed to the free weights. Put my beer in a holder that was probably meant for a water bottle and proceeded to do a very minimal amount of bicep curls, like 3 to be exact. That made me tired so I chugged my beer and headed to the community fridge for another one. I reluctantly headed to a rusty row machine, took a few big chugs off the beer can and placed it on the floor next to me. Row, row, rowed the machine three times which made me very thirsty so I finished my beverage, got off the machine and made my way back to the fridge. In route, I ran into a couple of friends standing at the reception desk drinking beers of their own and having a cheerful conversation. I decided then that my work out was over and my happy hour was about to begin! Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the gathering smokers outside. Bet you never saw that at any gym! Just as I began to feel quitters anxiety, I was awoken by my alarm clock. Thank God, because I think I would have smoked!
Now I don't know if you see the symbolism in this dream like I do, so let me just spell out my interpretation. For starters, the old exercise equipment. The irony is just screaming out at me! It is symbolic of my excuses and my many failed attempts at keeping up with a healthy lifestyle. The excuses are getting old and tired just like the machines. And then there's the beer and cigarettes. 'Nuff said.
Although I do know there is such a thing as withdrawal dreams and I am probably looking too deeply into it, I just can't help but to try and analyze it. And after doing so I have realized that if nothing else, this dream helped me have a light bulb moment!
My ultimate goal in life is to follow my dreams! If my dreams are a result of my thoughts, I better work on changing the way I think!
P.S. I still can't figure out the symbolism of beer in a can.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

People Watching

Over the weekend my husband and I went to Chili's for lunch. We were tired from celebrating my birthday the night before, so conversation was minimal. A comfortable silence that led to my intensive people watching. As I looked out the window I noticed a lone man approaching the door of Chili's. I could tell that he could see his own reflection in the glass window of the door as he studied his hair-do and made an adjustment to his comb over. I instantly assumed he was there to meet someone for the first time. Or at least hoping he was and even more, hoping they would sit near us. To my delight, the man and his date were seated diagonally across from us, right in my peripheral sight! Just as I suspected, a blind date. I've been on enough of them in the past to recognize the signs! Their menu's sat lonely on the table as they made small talk. My husband and I opened our menu's before the server even took our drink orders. Their server asked them 4 times if they needed a few more minutes before ordering. He finally recommended a bowl of chips and salsa to which they accepted, but then the chips sat there for ten minutes before one of them got up the nerve to crunch on one! It made me snicker to study the restaurant and the dynamics of the couples there. Jason and I are newlyweds and were completely content with small talk and even a little quiet as we ate. The elderly couple a few tables away were completely content eating in complete silence with very few words exchanged. I noticed the young couple with a new baby. Their eyes were focused on the baby and it was apparent that their goal was to be able to complete a meal without a meltdown. the entire place was interesting and each table had a story to tell, but my interest remained with the blind date. I don't think she liked him. He talked a lot about himself. "I" this and "I" that. Too many "I"'s coming from this man and too many "mmm, hmmm"'s and "Oh really's?" coming from her. Her lack of interest in him grew more apparent as her interest in the nacho chips grew more and more. "She doesn't like him." I say to my husband who responded, "who doesn't like who?" I tell him about my perception of what is going on at the other table. He asks "Do you think they know you are staring at them?" I tell him "Her back is to me and I can only see his face and he is too involved in himself to notice anything else!"
It finally comes time for them to look at their menu's. He's talking the entire time! I think it's about virtual video games! Oh Lord, have mercy on this poor girl. I know what she is thinking...."Get me out of here." She is studying the menu intently, not looking up once as her date babbles on and on. Never once did he ask her a question about herself. She stopped asking questions about him too, after she realized he'd bore her death. He thinks the date is going well. My husband is trying to get my attention. "Hello? I'm right here." He says. Oops, I'm completely ignoring my husband as I'm gaining insight and focusing on these two strangers lives. I just found it very entertaining and quite honestly thought it would make a great blog topic! A title came to my mind in an instant, "A guide for men and how NOT to act on a blind date."
OK, so now it's time for them to order. OH MY GOD! He ordered first! Didn't even give his date the courtesy. I wondered if men have been scared by woman's liberation. I wondered if he thought it would be an insult to let the lady order first, but quickly realized that this man just didn't have a clue. Simple as that. He proceeds to embarrass himself by asking a hundred questions about the menu, telling the waiter an exaggerated story about how he practices healthy eating habits and ordering his dressing on the side! I'm laughing now, as quietly as I can as my husband rolls his eyes. I continue to watch and confirm that she is SO not interested in a relationship with this man as she orders the greasiest most fattening burger on the menu! I can't help but recognize the irony in their choices seeing that SHE was the one with a fit body! "you go girl" I think. She wants to drown her boredom in the comfort of a burger! I'm impressed with her.
I am reminded of a date I had once that was just like this, and unfortunately I couldn't bring myself to sit through a whole meal. I excused myself to the bathroom where I called a friend to rescue me! Literally had her call me with an "emergency" so I could bolt! So I gave this girl credit for sticking it out with yet another guy who had no clue! I started to become a little bored knowing that I would never really know the end to this story and realized I didn't really care. What I really cared about is how lucky I was to be done with all the blind dates gone bad. I was grateful to be sitting in comfortable silence with the man at my table, my wonderful husband who is interested in what I have to say and who still lets me order first. When my husband finally said to me "Would you like me to ask them if they have room at their table for one more?" I concluded that the story at my table was more interesting.

Friday, February 19, 2010

36 Years Young

Today is my birthday. I have been alive for 36 years. People ask if I feel old. My instant response is no but when I think about it, in some ways I do. Like I see the effects of age on my body. My knees hurt sometimes. I have tension in my neck. I'm starting to buy bras and shoes for their comfort level rather than style. My hangovers last like 4 days. Sleeping in is 8 am and a late night is 11. So yes, my body is aging. But my mind and my spirit still feel young. Very young lately in fact. My curiosity is still that of a little kid and I still crave adventure. I love my 30's because I feel some sense of clarity. I was confused in my 20's and lacked self esteem. Not so now. I like the woman I am, I can't get enough of me! Ha! Kidding aside, I am getting to know me better and have gained the insight to know that if I don't like something about myself or I don't like my circumstances, I have the power to make changes. And if the changes aren't immediate, like transforming my body into a bikini powerhouse, then I don't really give a shit. I'll wear my tankini instead. But I'm not going to hide myself from the world. I am however, going to buy some wrinkle cream.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The simple Man

The simple man has simple needs. His language is simple. The simple man has simple ideas. He has simple goals. He lives simply, not to any extreme. He finds joy in simple pleasures. He likes to go fishing and camping. He likes to ride on big machines. His friends are simple, just like him. He dresses simply most of the time. Simple entertainment makes him content. The simple man is simple in every way except one....his ability to LOVE. There is nothing simple about it! When it comes to love, he does it with intention and with a full heart. He knows how to love, passionately. He is a genius in love. He calms me, thrills me and his kisses take my breath away. His smile.....simple but beautiful. he simply wants to make me happy and to me, he is simply amazing.

Some thoughts on Lent

In the car this morning I was listening to my local country station. They were talking about Lent and asking people to call in with what they were giving up. Things like gossip, swearing, junk food and shopping. I grew up with a Christian background and in my early 20's I was dating a devout Catholic. So I do have some sort of idea of what Lent is about. For a long time I thought the idea of Lent was a joke. Someone gives up chocolate for 40 days and this renews their faith and makes them a better person in the long run? The alcoholic gives up booze for 40 days and that excuses him of his wrong doings for the rest of the year? It seemed ridiculous to me. Just another man made way of justifying our wrong doings. But in my recent days of soul searching, I think I have come to a different understanding about this whole Lent thing. This morning while I listened to people talk about what they were giving up for Lent, I felt inspired instead of annoyed. Being that I am more spiritual than religious, I am able to wrap my mind around the concept of Lent if I look at it as spiritual discipline; Feeding of the soul through change, reflection and success. Each of us has our own thoughts, our own beliefs and our own struggles. But isn't it true that by reaching deep within ourselves and recognizing what it is that we need to give up to make our spirit smile again is worth the discipline it will take to get there? Whether you are religious or not, it takes a strong spirit to accomplish something. So I am choosing to see Lent this year as a time of reflection and accomplishment. Quite recently I have decided to make some changes in my life. I will be celebrating my 36th birthday tomorrow and my goal is to give myself the gift of CHANGE. I have a strong desire to turn some bad habits into good ones. Am I giving anything up? Yes I am. Am I gaining anything from my sacrifice? Most certainly. My decision to make these changes came before I even considered that Lent was right around the corner. Will I say that "I'm giving it up for Lent?" Probably not. But I will say this, I am always inspired by those who make sacrifices for the good of themselves. But today I am especially inspired by the many voices on the radio this morning who were speaking directly to me (even though they didn't know it) about their personal struggles. Because we all know, what you decide to give up for Lent is going to be something you're struggling with. I wish everyone who is working through a struggle or breaking a habit peace in your journey. I have read that it takes 30 days to break a habit. Lent lasts 40..... 40 days that quite possibly could last forever.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Tween in the Tre-Howse

In my house, there lives a tween. Tween, the word that has been developed to describe a kid who is no longer a young child nor an adolescent teen. They fall through the cracks, somewhere in be-'tween.' I have been doing research on raising a child for almost 11 years now. We all know that being a mother means being an expert in research. My research has led me to a place of complete confusion and I have discovered that I basically know nothing. But what I do know is that having a tween in the house is challenging to say the least. There are days when my son pushes my buttons to the very max; days when it takes everything in me not to take my disciplinary measures back to the "old school." "Go in the yard and pick out your whipping stick boy!" But instead I use new school techniques like using my words (sometimes quite loudly) and providing consequences. (how many times can I take away his psp)? As challenging as my tween can be, having the opportunity to watch him evolve into his own person is amazing. Sure, he's pushing my buttons and challenging his limits, but at the same time he is coming into his own. There are moments when he does something and all I want to do is laugh. And sometimes I do. We laugh together. But there are those times when, as a parent you have to hold back the laughter for the time being and dream of the time when your tween turns adult and you can share the story with them on a lighter note. One such story of ours started recently with a call from the principal. "I'd like to meet with you regarding a situation involving your son and the school computer." Tweens and computers, a whole new dynamic in the modern child raising challenges. (note to self: Tweens and computers: Subject for another post another day). Turns out, the school had key stroke monitoring of the book report website the kids were using. Unbeknown to my son who decided to type in a swear word to impress his buddies. A bad swear. The swear that starts with the letter F. Now mind you, I do not approve of the use of this language by a ten year old nor do I ever use the F word myself (yeah right). But boys will be boys and I know the boys are attempting to use fowl language whenever they can. The fact that my son typed it on the computer brings a whole new meaning to the word and to the NO TOLERANCE policies adopted by schools these days. BUT, in my son's defense, he typed the word, thus key stroke evidence, then gave it a little thought and ultimately, within minutes, made the very good decision to delete the word so it was never officially published. No other children saw it for which I am very grateful. Anyway, the point of this babbling is to get to the funny part. It is the morning of Dooms appointment with the principal. I am in the bathroom blow drying my hair when my son the tween comes to the door and says, "Mom, what should I wear today?" Strange question coming from a kid who is only just beginning to care a tweeny bit about fashion. "I don't care what you wear, just put some clothes on." I say. "Okay Mom." a few minutes go by and he returns. As I am taking a sip of my coffee, he appears in the doorway with a big smile and black long sleeve t-shirt on with these words printed on the front: "WASN'T ME!" Resisting my urge to spit my coffee all over the bathroom and burst out laughing I said "Cute Tyler. Go change."

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My first blog, take ONE

I can't be the only woman struggling on the inside, can I? I drove to work this morning wondering how it can be that at the age of 36 (this coming Friday) I am not living up to my potential. Do I know what my potential really is? I have always dreamed of being a writer. Yet I don't write. I have health goals that I don't achieve. My friends see me as this positive and content woman with so much going for her. And they are right, sometimes. For the most part, I am happy. I have a son who is almost 11 years old who has filled my life with joy. I recently married a man I consider to be the man of my dreams. We own a humble home where the sound of laughter often fills the halls. I have a relationship that some might envy. I have a group of friends that rate amongst the best women in the entire universe. My job, well, it's a job. A cake job actually. Flexible with some perks. I've been a secretary for 7 1/2 years. My boss is cool, my best friend works a cubicle away, the benefits and pay are pretty ok and they tailor to my schedule. Can't beat that right? Life is good, but I want more. ALWAYS wanting more! Not more stuff, but more purpose. I want to be a writer. Yet I don't write. Except once a year, I write the toast for the annual girlie Christmas party and make fun of all my friends. It's always a hit, because I'm a good writer. Always thinking about writing throughout the rest of the year, but never do it. Took a creative writing class through the adult education program in my town and wrote for a whole 9 weeks! Loved every minute of it. The teacher said when asked the question, "What do you need to do to be a good writer?" her answer was, "Write." Makes sense doesn't it? This is the same woman who said to me after I read a short story I wrote out loud to the class, "If your writing was for sale, I'd buy it." Is there a better compliment than that? Not for me there isn't. Yet I continue to mock my potential by letting it lay dormant and by not doing what I love most. This here is my first blog EVER! It is taking everything in me not to hit delete on this whole entire post for fear of someone actually reading it! In my mind I was going to write about my many failed attempts at quitting smoking, sticking to a diet plan or chilling out on the michelob lights. But instead I write about my inadequate desire to write. Weird. I am always analyzing myself and my life and my struggles. I thrive a lot on guilt and I think I may have a fear of success. Maybe through my little personal blog, if I can keep up with it, I will discover some reasoning and maybe some clarity.