Sunrise over the Caribbean, where my husband and I honeymooned

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My first blog, take ONE

I can't be the only woman struggling on the inside, can I? I drove to work this morning wondering how it can be that at the age of 36 (this coming Friday) I am not living up to my potential. Do I know what my potential really is? I have always dreamed of being a writer. Yet I don't write. I have health goals that I don't achieve. My friends see me as this positive and content woman with so much going for her. And they are right, sometimes. For the most part, I am happy. I have a son who is almost 11 years old who has filled my life with joy. I recently married a man I consider to be the man of my dreams. We own a humble home where the sound of laughter often fills the halls. I have a relationship that some might envy. I have a group of friends that rate amongst the best women in the entire universe. My job, well, it's a job. A cake job actually. Flexible with some perks. I've been a secretary for 7 1/2 years. My boss is cool, my best friend works a cubicle away, the benefits and pay are pretty ok and they tailor to my schedule. Can't beat that right? Life is good, but I want more. ALWAYS wanting more! Not more stuff, but more purpose. I want to be a writer. Yet I don't write. Except once a year, I write the toast for the annual girlie Christmas party and make fun of all my friends. It's always a hit, because I'm a good writer. Always thinking about writing throughout the rest of the year, but never do it. Took a creative writing class through the adult education program in my town and wrote for a whole 9 weeks! Loved every minute of it. The teacher said when asked the question, "What do you need to do to be a good writer?" her answer was, "Write." Makes sense doesn't it? This is the same woman who said to me after I read a short story I wrote out loud to the class, "If your writing was for sale, I'd buy it." Is there a better compliment than that? Not for me there isn't. Yet I continue to mock my potential by letting it lay dormant and by not doing what I love most. This here is my first blog EVER! It is taking everything in me not to hit delete on this whole entire post for fear of someone actually reading it! In my mind I was going to write about my many failed attempts at quitting smoking, sticking to a diet plan or chilling out on the michelob lights. But instead I write about my inadequate desire to write. Weird. I am always analyzing myself and my life and my struggles. I thrive a lot on guilt and I think I may have a fear of success. Maybe through my little personal blog, if I can keep up with it, I will discover some reasoning and maybe some clarity.

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